Messy is okay, because it's yours!

How would you describe yourself?... I would describe myself as a thinker; I think a lot about a lot of different things, but what has been on my mind most lately is definitions. How do you define yourself? Is it even your decision as to what your definition is, or is it truly in the eye of the beholder?

I am a musician, I am a mother to several plants, I am an avid reader, I am a Diet Coke addict, I am a sister and a daughter... but I am also a PTSD survivor. So what does that make me? I think the medical term for this particular affliction is 'messy'.

At this point you're probably thinking that I should change my degree to philosophy - jokes on you, I took it at A-Level and almost failed! However, much to the amusement and disappointment of my teachers, I chose to do music - which I suppose is it's own philosophy to an extent.

How would you define music? The first thing I told you about myself is that I am a musician, but if you're anything like me and you can't even begin to hope to define music, is it possible to validate my existence by an ineffable entity?

Because that's what a definition is, right? It's an explanation of something that validates its existence. We have a rule in my house that if you're playing scrabble and you can't define your word, it's not allowed - this has led to many screaming matches and, needless to say, monopoly is banned.

In this modern day, a lot of our functions and roles within this society are rooted in definitions and categories. This can be super helpful - imagine trying to run the NHS when no one has a job title! - not to mention new words which seem to be growing into mainstream vocabulary: Asexual, Non-binary... words that I'm proud to have been educated in their definitions.

Emotionally, they can be so helpful to someone's mental health to feel that validation for themselves. In my case, I have found strength in calling myself a PTSD survivor, because before I knew that that word applied to me, I just thought I was crazy.

But in other cases, I have found strength in refusing a definition, because sometimes finding one that sits well with your soul can be really painful; if you don't find one, you feel like you are not receiving the validation which you are owed as a human being. I continually seem to make people laugh when I describe my sexual orientation as 'meh' - I've even had people try to label me because I refused to. So to them, I say "up yours!". At the end of the day, only you can define you. Beauty, worth, validation, success, talent... these are not in the eye of the beholder, they're yours.

You have all of the power over your own life, that's not to say the universe won't throw you a curveball every now and again, but it's completely your decision as to who you are in those moments. Trust me, it's much easier said than done; believing that you're worth something in those truly rock-bottom moments is insanely difficult - but it only takes one thought. Faith as small as a mustard seed, if you will. Because I truly believe that hope is infectious.

Anyway, welcome to the blog and know that you are so loved and you are so valid!

Anna x